Bahá'í Family Life
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The Purpose of Marriage
"He saith, great is His glory: 'Marry, O people, that from you may appear he who will remember me amongst My servants; this is one of My commandments unto you; obey it as an assistance to yourselves.'"
— Excerpt from a Bahá'í Marriage Prayer
The purpose of Bahá'í marriage is to raise children, and to teach these children — by example — to know and love God. As a result, children grow up following the principles of the Bahá'í Faith, and become loving, productive and serving members of the community. It is for the husband and wife to decide how many children to have, and when. However, a conscious decision not to have any children at all would thwart the primary purpose of marriage.
True Marriage Is Eternal
"The true marriage of Bahá'ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá'í marriage."
— 'Abdu'l-Bahá
A Bahá'í marriage is a spiritual bond between two people as well as a physical bond. The Bahá'í Writings indicate that when husband and wife have been completely united in this life, their souls being as one soul, then after one of them has passed away, this union of heart and soul remains unbroken. Because the spiritual bond is everlasting, the physical bond in this life will endure as well. "If however," warns ‘Abdu'l-Bahá, "the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation."
This statement can be understood in two ways: first, a purely physical bond would naturally end when one of the spouses departs from the physical world. In addition, the lack of a spiritual bond can lead to a separation within this life, such as divorce or a feeling of estrangement within the marriage.
Equality of Women and Men
"The world of humanity has two wings — one is women and the other men. Not until both wings are equally developed can the bird fly. Should one wing remain weak, flight is impossible. Not until the world of women becomes equal to the world of men in the acquisition of virtues and perfections, can success and prosperity be attained as they ought to be."
— 'Abdu'l-Bahá
One of the basic principles of the Bahá'í Faith is the equality of the sexes. The wife and the husband are equal partners in marriage, and neither has any dominance over the other. All family matters — whether they concern household affairs, children, education, work, or finances — are to be resolved by mutual agreement between the wife and the husband. Furthermore, the nature of the discussions which produce such agreement should follow the Bahá'í principle of consultation in order to safeguard the unity of the family.
Children
Bahá'í parents are rarely seen without their children, and children of all ages are welcome at most community gatherings. As a result, these gatherings are characterized by a warm and familiar atmosphere. Because children are included in most community events, a strong emphasis is placed upon teaching children manners, appropriate behavior, and self-discipline:
"Training in morals and good conduct is far more important than book learning. A child that is cleanly, agreeable, of good character, well-behaved — even though he be ignorant — is preferable to a child that is rude, unwashed, ill-natured, and yet becoming deeply versed in all the sciences and arts. The reason for this is that the child who conducts himself well, even though he be ignorant, is of benefit to others, while an ill-natured, ill-behaved child is corrupted and harmful to others, even though he be learned. If, however, the child be trained to be both learned and good, the result is light upon light."
— 'Abdu'l-Bahá
Education of Girls Takes Precedence
Bahá'ís are also obligated to provide for the education of their children in the arts, sciences, humanities and religion. The Bahá'í Faith not only calls attention to the responsibility of parents to educate all their children, but also clearly specifies that "the training and culture of daughters is more necessary than that of sons, for girls will one day be mothers, and mothers are the first educators of the new generation. If it is not possible, therefore, for a family to educate all the children, preference is to be accorded to daughters since, through educated mothers, the benefits of knowledge can be most effectively and rapidly diffused throughout society."
Unity of the Family
The Bahá'í Faith teaches that the unity of the family takes priority over all matters. Work, and even service to the Faith (such as teaching, or serving on committees) must take a back seat to the immediate needs of the family.
"Note ye how easily, where unity existeth in a given family, the affairs of that family are conducted; what progress the members of that family make, how they prosper in the world. Their concerns are in order, they enjoy comfort and tranquility, they are secure, their position is assured, they come to be envied by all. Such a family but addeth to its stature and its lasting honour, as day succeedeth day."
— 'Abdu'l-Bahá
It is important to note that with "comfort" is not necessarily meant material comfort. Rather, true comfort is derived from a united family with strong ties amongst its members, even if that family's material resources are scarce.
Consultation
The Bahá'í concept of consultation is a system of making decisions or resolving disputes that prevents conflict and strife among the parties involved. This is a powerful tool in making sure that family discussions (whether they involve spouses, siblings, or the entire family) do not threaten the unity of the family. Some of the characteristics of Bahá'í consultation are:
- All discussions are conducted in an atmosphere of brotherly love, friendship and respect.
- Every opinion is heard, and considered without prejudice or ridicule.
- Once an idea is expressed by a person, that person relinquishes "ownership" of that idea to the group, to prevent any personality conflicts from interfering with the objective evaluation of each idea.
- During discussion, participants must make every effort to be as frank and candid as possible, while maintaining a courteous interest in the view of others. In other words, disagreement with a particular opinion should be freely expressed, but in a respectful manner and not in such a way as to offend anyone.
- Conversely, the person putting forth a particular opinion should not offended merely because there is disagreement with it.
- After careful consideration of the facts and feelings of everyone involved, the group reaches its decision in an atmosphere of meditation and prayer.
The Bahá'í Faith considers consultation to be one of its cornerstone principles, and teaches its followers to "take counsel together in all matters". Consultation is described as "the lamp of guidance which leadeth the way" and as "the bestower of understanding". Its principles govern every exchange of ideas between two or more Bahá'ís, regardless of its nature. Parents are urged to teach the principle of loving consultation to their children at an early age, both verbally and by example, so they learn how to resolve disagreements without conflict.
Children Must Respect Parents
Husband and wife always consult as two equal partners. In addition, consultation between parents and their children in a "family meeting" setting can be very effective in ensuring that parents are aware of their children's feelings and emotions. Children's ideas should be carefully considered and not dismissed out of hand. However, in a Bahá'í family children do not have equal bargaining power. Parents must raise their children in a loving, disciplined environment, and children are expected to respect and obey their parents.
The Bahá'í Faith teaches that all work, when performed in a spirit of service, is a form of worship in God's eyes. Performing chores (and learning to do them willingly and with a smile) is not only a way for children to learn necessary skills, but also to build a solid work ethic and prepare themselves for a life of service to humanity.